Hmm, no school for another two weeks, few obligations, plently of time… shouldn’t I think that that is wonderful? I think I do think that, but only superficially. Actually I’m quite worried about myself at times like this since - well - I can be horribly lazy.
Its something that I don’t totally understand either. Whenever I have some motivation, even if it some small or distant motivation, I will always get the job done, project completed, mind prepared, see it through, whatever it is (yea, please take that with a grain of salt. I’m leaving out all the small “I’m not perfect, but tend to be like this” qualifications for brevity’s sake. But then I just wasted the past few sentences, and in a parenthesis for that matter! Oh well…)
The problem is that right now, I’ve been very blessed. My future (career-wise at least) is stable (well for an undergrad not working yet) and looks bright. So, what am I supposed to be worrying about right now? Finding work, check; paying the rent, check; figuring out where to go out on Friday night, well that’s not quite my thing so.. check; getting a girlfriend? hmm, should I be worrying about this? I think not, if it happens it happens. And you certainly are not going to see me turn in into a smooth, extroverted, seeking-bachelor anytime soon…
Ok back to my point (I have a way of rambling in these posts. I guess that happens when you are writing without much purpose). I don’t feel compelled to do anything at all right now. Sure I could do this, or I could do that, but I seem to think more about what I could be doing then what I actually am doing. Eventually after thinking too much about how I could be more productive (by productive I mean still having fun while doing something with some sort of worthwhile basis. Currently some examples are programming (it is what I want to do for a living), creating more artwork (I always like doing it, but I never actually do any in my free time), and spending more time with friends, especially those that I don’t give enough time to or have not seen in a while (I’m kinda prone in keeping relationships one sided and not giving my fair share of effort)).
So you see, what I end up doing is realizing that I should be doing something else and yet I still chose the option with the best ratio of pleasure received over effort required. Why am I worried about efficiency when I have no time to worry about? Good question, maybe I just tend to think that way, maybe I’m really using the previous statement as an excuse, maybe … well, the latter is probably correct.
And so, to do something about this. Its seems that the act of writing this was a start. But the question is, am I seeking others to think about me this way? I’m I writing this because I want others to read it and think about this, so I can set them up to think better of me? Well, I don’t think that I am, but I’d have to say that I wouldn’t be surprised if my subconscious has done/considered doing that before (”subconscious considering” Geeze now that’s an oxymoron I’ve never heard).
Enough, sometimes I’m lazy. Sometimes I’m not. I wish I were not, but I cannot ignore/excuse either side.
Conclusion. Since I know I can be lazy, act in a manner knowing that I could seek the lazy solution. Thinking about planning ahead for how I plan ahead? How do I do that? Not sure, but at least its a rationalization that I don’t feel badly about… for now.